In 2014, I was in the middle of the Sandwich Generation. I was a mom, caregiver and about to enter the most difficult five years anyone can imagine.
My Son
It started with my oldest son, who was serving in the Marines. He had been home from Afghanistan for about 12 months and I was starting to see many signs of unusual behavior. Today, that behavior is best described as PTSD. Without going into details, if you are a parent and you see your child in trouble, you want to do as much as you can to help them.
Unfortunately the Marines trains their troops to be strong, independent and not need help. Trying to get my son to see that professional help would be beneficial was an almost impossible task. It created stress and concerns that are still present 10 years later.
My Uncle
At the same time, I was caring for my Uncle. He had moved in to my home 4 years earlier after the passing of my father and his brother. I didn’t realize how big of a role my dad played in my Uncle’s life. Once my dad was gone, my uncle was having difficulty coping. In 2014, my uncle’s health began declining and there were several trips to the ER, a broken hip and some rehab in the mix.
Until 2014, my uncle had been fairly independent, but I could see now was the time that he would need a little more assistance, even though he was reluctant to accept it. I kept my distance, but kept my eyes on him as much as possible.
My Mom
In 2013, my mom’s husband passed away. Getting rid of his belongings and items they had together was overwhelming for my mom. I began helping her sort through items and downsize to simplify the process for her. I had taken several trips to Colorado where she was living. Each time I visited, I could see her decline.
In 2014, she finally allowed me to attend one of her doctors visits with her. I wanted an opportunity to talk about my concerns and let the doctor do their own evaluation.
Attending a doctor visit with your parents can be difficult. Getting them to agree to it is step one. Allowing me to talk to the doctor was a different story.
After meeting with my moms doctor, it took about 12 months before the doctor convinced my mom that my concerns were correct and she needed assistance.
July 1 of 2015, my mom moved back to MD to live with me. That event is a story in itself. My concern about my son, caring for my uncle and now the thought of caring for my mom was overwhelming. I was in the middle of the Sandwich Generation.
That was a lot for one year, for one person and I don’t wish that on anyone.
A Learning Experience
I’m sharing this story as a learning experience. If you have parents and children, it’s possible you could be in this situation one day. Maybe it will be with a sibling or another relative. Some people will step up to the plate to help, others will not get involved.
My world basically came to a screeching halt in 2014. Even though I went to work everyday and managed everyone’s care, I was emotionally drained. As someone who is very strong, I wasn’t able to see this until it was over 5 years later.
The stories I can share, the lessons I’ve learned are why I am so compassionate and understanding about what someone is going through. The sandwich generation takes a toll on anyone going through it. Everyone has a different experience, but the most important element is to take care of yourself. Walk, exercise, relax and most importantly, ask for help. It’s not something to go through alone.
Compassion
It’s been 10 years since I started the Sandwich Generation. After my mom passed in 2019, I’ve intentionally found a way to live my life without any drama. I was very fortunate to have a friend that owned a place at the beach and let me stay there in the off season. What I learned from my time there is how much I need the ocean. The walks on the beach to reflect on what I went through and how I can use that experience to live the next chapter in my life.
Until you have lived the life in the Sandwich Generation, it’s really hard to understand the emotional toll it takes on an individual. If you see someone who is a caregiver, try to understand what they are going through. Offer to give them some relief with an occasional phone call, a cup of coffee or even doing their grocery shopping for them sometime. Finding time to get to the store can sometimes be a challenge!
Planning
If you are in the last chapter of your life reading this, what type of care will you want?
- Do you want a family member to take care of you?
- Do you want to live in a facility?
- Do you want to stay in your home?
Plan for this scenario while you can, don’t leave it to chance how you’ll spend your final years. Talk to your family members while you still can and discuss your desires. Talk abut how this will play out financially for everyone.
As we age, we don’t want to think about the inevitable. However, the more we talk about it, the more we plan for it, the less stress it will be for everyone involved when the time comes.
This article is written by Debbie DeChambeau. She is an insurance agent helping people navigate the Medicare Maze as well as educating on other health insurance benefits to help minimize out of pocket medical costs. She is a Certified Insurance Agent (CIC) Accredited Advisor of Insurance (AAI) Certified Professional Insurance Agent (CPIA) and Certified in Long Term Care (CLTC). Her knowledge of the insurance industry and her compassion for helping others makes her a trusted advisor with everyone she works with.